>> In time, Love Will Always Overcome Fear – Listen to this episode on my Simply Authentic podcast where I talk about how the door to my healing and forgiveness has been opened.
Healing takes time and we can’t always do it alone.
Every week I join an energy-healer and colleague of mine for an hour-long session over the phone. Every other week we trade off on helping each other either with business-related projects and questions or with healing. This week it was my session and my turn for healing.
I didn’t want to be on the call. I didn’t want to participate in the healing session. I felt like a moody teenager.
In my mind’s eye, I saw myself sitting slumped in a chair with arms firmly crossed, legs straight out before me. My ankles were crossed and I had my back to the rest of the room. If someone could have walked into the room, all they would have seen was the back of a chair with just the top of my shoulders and head visible above the backrest. The only light in the room would have been the gray-tinged daylight coming in from the large windows that I faced. Everything about the visual said, “leave me alone.”
I felt defiant to the core even though I didn’t consciously know why I was feeling that way. Energetically, my spiritual Self knew what was about to surface, but the conscious side of me didn’t.
Have you ever experienced something like that where you feel something emotionally but for the life of you can’t figure out where it’s coming from? That was how this felt.
Healing was needed and I even longed for it. But I didn’t want to face what was coming with anyone else because I felt ashamed and embarrassed to share it. But not all healing is meant to be done alone. Sometimes we just need a gentle nudge or someone to walk next to us in silence while we move forward.
With my colleague on the other end of the phone, I unknowingly set out to embark on a journey of healing that was long overdue. This is my story.
Pain and Fear Eventually Turn to Joy and Love
Despite my defiant mood, we both knew that something was ready to come to the surface for healing. I was able to laugh about how moody and pouty I felt about the call but we gently pressed on and just started taking one step at a time.
He began by walking me through a meditation which we often do to help allow the feelings and emotions that wish to be witnessed and acknowledged to come through.
Piece by piece we discussed what we both “saw” in our mind’s eye. Each thought allowed me to go a little deeper into what I was feeling and where it was coming from.
About 20 minutes into the call, and several minutes after our opening meditation, something came to mind and it all just clicked. I understood the message. I knew what it was that was trying to surface and why my mood had been so defiant. This was a deeply hidden and painful door that was being opened.
It took me by surprise at first. I had been having these weekly phone calls for well over a year now and yet this particular topic or issue had never once surfaced in all of those other calls. With how prevalent it had been at times in my mind, it had never been available or even locatable in my mind during our previous calls.
I wasn’t ready before, but now I was.
The message was received loud and clear and I understood my defiant mood immediately. We didn’t force things. We just let them happen. As my friend shared what he could see of me energetically in this life and in past lives, things began to unfold. Healing was finally taking place.
Tears were shed. I opened up and shared things I had never told anyone before. I shared how I felt and why I felt pain. I shared my regrets. Near the end of our call, my friend, as a gesture of “allowing,” told me that he gave me permission to feel sad.
I had other obligations to tend to immediately following our call but we ended on happy and joyful thoughts so we knew it was a good point to stop anyway.
My Healing Journey Continues
I am not finished in my journey toward healing this, but I never could have imagined the impact this has already had on me and continues to have on me.
I’ve started to share my story about this time in my life for the first time in 25 years!
Some portions are still buried and unable to be seen or felt. But given time, love will always overcome fear. Forgiveness will set me free. I already feel as though a huge burden or weight has been lifted from me. I feel brighter.
I’m no longer ashamed of longing for closure and healing on something that was so important, and traumatizing, from my early high school days. Wanting that healing and closure doesn’t make me a bad person!
I no longer feel hopelessness toward finding the closure and healing I’ve needed and desired.
A Bit About My Story
My door that was opened for forgiveness and healing was specific to a high school relationship that had ended poorly 25 years ago. A little high school romance may seem silly, but this particular connection was a very deep and meaningful one for me. The connection I had with this person and his family was one that inspired me to be me. I realize now, that the relationship we had was exactly as it was meant to be and that it provided the stepping stone that I needed to awaken my Spirit. I am forever grateful for that.
My relationship with him and his family was my first real experience with God and Faith. But due to the traumatic separation that wasn’t fully in our control the relationship was greatly strained and couldn’t continue. Things ended painfully for both of us.
For 15 years, we didn’t speak. I didn’t even know where to find him if I wanted to. He had essentially disappeared but the wound never healed. I still desired healing and closure around the relationship.
Then about 10 years ago I decided to go on a journey of my own of healing old wounds from past relationships. I managed to reach out to two of the people that were on my list. They both ended up getting married and having children and the emails or conversations that we had allowed me to move on. I had closure. It felt wonderful and like a huge release to finally be able to forgive myself and them and the situations that had transpired.
One person, this person from high school, remained on my list. I had managed to finally find him on Facebook. He wasn’t on it for several years and then one day, I found him.
To my surprise, he accepted my friend request and we started to chit chat about how things were going. He wasn’t interested in talking about the past and I respected that. He even offered my daughter and I tickets to a show of his. So I made a day-trip out of it, visiting with my college roommate who lived in the same area and enjoying the show with her and her two kids as well. It was a brief visit, but it seemed like a good start.
And Then THAT Happened
Not long after that visit, I stumbled into some spiritual trouble – an “attachment” if you will – that I couldn’t seem to shake. I had never experienced that before and haven’t since, but I’ll admit that a bit of panic had set in so my judgment wasn’t at it’s best.
Over the years, my Faith had faltered. I spoke to someone at work about the “attachment” and she tried to pray with me and have me pray with her, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t utter the words with her. My faith was not what it used to be and I felt that I needed to be stronger to do this. I was determined to do it!
Only one person had ever helped me with my faith before, so I opened up to my high school friend via chat. I told him about what was going on, but before I could even share with him why I was truly reaching out he told me he was done being the “Knight in Shining Armor” and that if I needed help, I should go find a psychiatrist or exorcist or someone else. Not him. Moments after that comment, he defriended me and I was left feeling worse about the status of our relationship than I ever had before. I had managed to make everything worse.
I read what I had sent him via chat over and over again so I understood why he had the reaction he had. I’m not the best with words when I’m stressed. But despite the abrupt rejection (which actually wasn’t the difficult part) I never got the chance to tell him that I wasn’t looking for a Knight. I was just looking for a friend. I wasn’t looking to be rescued. I was looking for inspiration and strength in Faith. I reached out for a stepping stone, not a lifeline.
I wasn’t mad, but I and regretted ever opening up about something so personal. I blamed myself for doing something like that and knowing better. The closing of the door this time wasn’t what hurt. The worst part was thinking about what he must have been through since I last knew him for him to respond in such a way. I could only imagine the pain he must have experienced.
We often try to surround ourselves with people who inspire us and who help us to be better people. His faith had “rubbed off” on me so easily before that I was hoping that maybe he’d happen to say something that would re-kindle my faith in God so that I could shake the Spiritual attachment that was weighing heavily on me. It was certainly not my intention to cause further pain.
Oh, The Irony…
What’s ironic is that one of the reasons that I had wanted to reach out to him for all those years was because I wanted to be there for him, to help him heal if he ever chose to let me in. My intuition was telling me that at some point much later in our lives, our paths would cross again and that there would be pain and sorrow involved and that he would seek healing. My intuition impressed upon me that there would be something I could offer to help him heal. Whatever it was, I wanted to make sure he knew how to find me if that time ever came.
It might sound a bit cheesy, but it’s true. And you don’t just come out and tell people that sort of thing, so I was content with just chit-chat about our current lives. At least we were connected in some way. Or at least we were.
Until this week, I believed that the only way I would ever find closure and healing around this entire situation was if I somehow could get him to participate in the healing. And then, of course, I’d still have to manage to not blow it. The likelihood of either of those seemed dang near impossible. But I still had hope that it would someday find a way to work itself out even if I couldn’t see how it was possible.
I never imagined that all the love and forgiveness I needed for this healing was something I could find entirely within me. I am grateful to my dear friend and colleague for showing me the Truth in that.
For those who are curious, I will add that about a year ago, I attempted a friend request to this person through Facebook and it was accepted. I have not dared any communication beyond a “like” here or a shared post there or a comment from time to time. Again, I’m content with simply having the connection. He appears to be very happily married and on a powerful journey of his own. I’m truly happy for both of them and forever grateful for the friendship we shared over 25 years ago.
We all must learn to love and forgive ourselves before we can forgive one another. I hope that he too finds healing, and perhaps he already has. And if someday he chooses to reach out, he’ll know where to find me.
So for now, I have everything I need to finally come to peace with this through forgiveness and love for myself. Amen to that!